YB  46406 


Fred  M.  I)kW 

Bookskller 

1609  TELEGRAPH  A 
OAKLAND, 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 
in  2008  with  funding  from 
Microsoft  Corporation 


https://archive.org/details/funaboutfordsOOjjwhrich 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


F unabout 
Fords 


CHICAGO 

THE  HOWELL  COMPANY 
1915 


COPYRIGHT.  1915 
BY 

THE  HOWELL  COMPANY 


>\  ^.  COPYRIGHT  IN  ENGLAND 
ALL  RIGHTS  RESERVED 
PUBLISHED  MAY.  1915 


The  Hill  Binding  Company,  ChU^xgo. 


PREFACE 


At  the  present  writing,  consistent 
with  its  popularity,  the  Ford  auto- 
mobile is  made  the  subject  of  many 
good-natured  anecdotes.  It  must  be 
a mighty  good  car  to  carry  all  the 
wheezes  that  are  crowded  onto  it. 
Why  the  Ford  is  chosen  for  all  auto- 
mobile jests,  I do  not  know,  unless 
it  is  because  nobody  enjoys  a ‘‘Ford 
story”  more  than  a Ford  owner,  and 
there  are  more  Ford  automobiles  than 
any  other  kind.  Nobody  takes  these 
stories  seriously,  for  we  all  know  the 
Ford  stands  up  with  the  best  of  them 
and  we  buy  one  when  we  want  the 
most  for  our  money. 

Put  the  reverse  on  the  stories  to  fol- 
low and  in  ordering  your  Ford  men- 
tion Fundbout  Fords;  maybe  Mr. 
Ford  will  forgive  me. 

464395 


J.  J.  w. 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


Right  at  the  start  we  want  to  say 
that  we  consider  the  Ford  a good 
car — a rattling  good  car. 

* * 

A Ford  will  go  anywhere  except  in 
society.  . 

* * 

Our  idea  of  the  height  of  luxury  is 
a colored  chauffeur  in  uniform  driv- 
ing a Ford  limpousine. 

* * 

“What  shock  absorbers  do  you  use 
on  your  Ford?” 

“The  passengers.” 


9 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


It  was  a pleasant  day,  and  on  a 
good  road  tlie  little  Ford  bowled  mer- 
rily along.  Suddenly  it  gave  a 
wbeezy  cough  and  stopped  dead.  In- 
vestigation showed  that  the  engine 
had  dropped  out  a dozen  miles  back. 
The  little  Ford  had  run  twelve  miles 
on  its  reputation. 

* * 

A Ford  owner  says  he  doesn’t 
need  a speedometer.  He  has  a cuckoo 
clock  arrangement  on  his  machine. 
"When  the  machine  is  running  twelve 
miles  an  hour  the  cuckoo  pops  out 
and  sings  “This  is  the  life!” 

* * 

Speaking  of  great  men  and  what 
they  have  done  for  our  country,  have 
you  ever  considered  what  Henry 
Ford  has  done  for  us?  He  has  made 
walking  popular. 

10 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


SOLD 

The  owner  of  a livery  stable  in  a 
summer  resort  town  in  Michigan 
found  his  business  falling  off  heavily 
because  of  the  increasing  number  of 
automobiles. 

He  finally  decided  to  turn  the 
stable  into  a garage  and,  as  a start, 
charged  seventy-five  cents  for  car 
space  over  the  week-end.  Business 
was  so  good  the  first  week  he  raised 
the  price  to  one  dollar  and  twenty- 
five  cents,  the  second  week  meeting 
each  car  at  the  entrance  and  advising 
the  driver  of  the  increase.  The  new 
figure  caused  no  lessening  in  his 
trade,  so  he  asked  two  dollars  the 
third  week.  Toward  evening  of  the 
two  dollar  day  he  saw  a Ford  ap- 
proaching and,  as  usual,  went  out  to 
the  entrance  to  meet  it. 


11 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


“Two  dollars  today!”  he  shouted 
to  the  driver. 

“All  right,”  was  the  reply.  “It’s 
yours.” 

* * 

After  all  the  Ford  is  the  best  fam- 
^ ily  car.  It  has  a tank  for  father, 
a hood  for  mother,  and  a rattle  for 
baby. 

* * 

\ “I  hear  they  are  going  to  mag- 
netize the  rear  axle  of  the  Ford.” 

“What’s  the  idea?” 

“So  it  will  pick  up  the  parts  that 
drop  off.” 

* * 

When  I bought  my  Ford  the  sales- 
man told  me  it  would  go  as  fast  as 
the  wind.  It  seems  as  though  when- 
ever I go  out  into  the  country,  the 
wind  dies  down. 


12 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


PEACE  AT  LAST 

St.  Peter  stood  at  the  Pearly  Gates 
and  examined  those  who  would  enter. 
One  of  the  questions  he  seemed  to 
think  important  related  to  automo- 
biles. 

“What  kind  of  a car  did  you 
own?”  he  asked  a large,  portly  soul. 

“A  Packard,”  replied  the  1.  p.  s. 

“I  am  sorry,”  said  St.  Peter,  “but 
that  does  not  help  you.  You  will 
have  to  go  down.” 

“Did  you  have  an  auto?”  he  asked 
a long,  lean  bean. 

“I  did,  sir — a Pierce  Arrow.” 

“Too  bad,”  said  St.  Peter;  “please 
press  the  lower  button.” 

“And  you,  little  man,  did  you  own 
a machine?” 

“Yes,  sir,  I did,”  replied  a spry 
little  fellow,  starting  to  enter  the  ele- 
vator. , ■> 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


“What  was  it?” 

“A  Ford,”  replied  the  s.  1.  f. 

“Come  in,”  said  St.  Peter,  throw- 
ing open  the  gates.  “You  have  had 
your  hell  on  earth!” 

* * 

A farmer  stopped  at  the  roadside 
until  a large  limousine  had  passed 
and  then  stepped  in  front  of  a Ford. 
After  he  had  been  picked  up  and 
dusted  he  was  asked: 

“Why  didn’t  you  look  to  see  if 
another  car  was  following  the  big 
one?” 

“Gosh!”  he  said,  “how  was  I to 
know  it  had  a colt  running  after  it?” 

* * 

Ford  stories  proved  too  much  for 
one  man,  who  dreamed  that  his  ma- 
chine was  a one-burner  gasoline 
stove. 


14 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


SHOULD  HAVE  TIED  IT 

A man  rushed  into  a farm  yard 
and  asked  the  use  of  a ladder. 

“What  do  you  want  the  ladder 
for?”  asked  the  farmer. 

“Why  my  Ford  is  up  in  a tree, 
down  the  road.” 

“Up  in  a tree?  Are  you  crazy? 
How  in  the  world  did  your  Ford  get 
up  in  a tree?” 

“Well,  you  see,  I was  cranking  it 
and  the  darned  thing  slipped  out 
of  my  hands.” 

* * 

WELL? 

Once  in  London  there  was  to  be 
a military  review  in  honor  of  a visit- 
ing Rajah.  Several  Americans  at- 
tended, expecting  scenes  of  barbaric 
splendor.  And  the  Rajah  came  in  a 
Ford. 


15 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


INEFFECTUAL 

On  a cold  morning  recently  a small 
boy  stood  intently  watching  a man 
drawing  a blanket  over  the  hood  of 
his  machine.  When  the  operation 
was  completed,  the  boy  said:  “It’s 
no  nse  mister,  you  can’t  fool  any- 
body; anyone  can  tell  it’s  a Ford.” 

* * 

A man  advertised  that  he  would 
give  away  his  Ford  on  a certain  cor- 
ner at  a certain  hour.  When  he 
drove  up  to  the  corner  he  found  a 
hundred  driverless  Fords  standing 
around. 

* * 

A new  city  ordinance  in  one  city 
provides  that  Fords  be  allowed  to 
run  on  the  sidewalks  so  automobiles 
won’t  hit  them. 


16 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


A MODERN  DAVID 

The  Ford  is  my  auto,  I shall  not 
want  (another) ; 

It  maketh  me  to  lie  down  beneath  it; 

It  soreth  my  soul. 

It  leadeth  me  into  the  paths  of  ridi- 
cule 

For  its  name’s  sake. 

Yea,  though  I ride  through  the  val- 
leys, 

I am  towed  up  the  hills. 

I fear  much  evil;  my  rod  and  my 
engines  discomfort  me. 

I anoint  my  tires  with  patches; 

My  radiator  runneth  over; 

I repair  my  blowouts  in  the  presence 
of  mine  enemies. 

Surely,  if  this  thing  follows  me  all 
the  days  of  my  life, 

I shall  dwell  in  the  hug-house  for- 
ever. 


17 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


“You  seem  to  be  late  this  morn- 
ing.” 

“Yes,  I was  coming  through  the 
park  this  morning  in  my  Ford  and 
^ when  I wasn’t  looking  a squirrel 
sneaked  up  and  chewed  the  nuts 
off  my  car.” 

* * 

The  Ford  broke  down  and  the 
driver  “got  out  and  got  under.” 
After  waiting  several  minutes  one 
of  the  occupants  leaned  over  the  side 
of  the  car  and  shouted: 

“What  are  you  doing?  Milking 
it?” 

* * 

“Did  you  know  that  in  Iowa  they 
\ have  to  paint  all  the  Fords  red?” 

“How  is  that?” 

“Because  of  a new  state  law  re- 
quiring all  tin  cans  containing  gaso- 
line to  be  of  that  color.” 

18 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


THE  RACE  IS  ALWAYS  TO  THE 
SWIFT 

Once  upon  a time,  a large  Pack- 
ard and  a Ford  had  a race.  The 
Packard  was  a brand  new  eight- 
cylinder  car  and  was  guaranteed  to 
run  eighty  miles  an  hour.  The  Ford 
was  about  six  years  old  and  was 
tied  together  with  string.  The  driver 
of  the  Packard  was  a reckless  sort 
of  fellow  and  very  careless.  The 
Ford  driver  was  a cautious,  con- 
servative chap  who  had  driven  a 
Ford  car  for  years  and  was  ready 
for  anything.  It  was  to  be  a six- 
mile  race  with  an  even  start.  The 
Ford  got  away  at  the  drop  of  the  hat, 
but  the  careless  driver  of  the  large 
car  waited  to  light  a cigarette  and 


19 


FTJNABOUT  FORDS 


allowed  the  Ford  to  get  a half-mile 
start.  . . . And  the  Packard 
finished  the  course  before  the  Ford 
reached  the  first  mile  post. 

* * 

“Novel  use  for  blank  car.  Mag- 
gie Teyte  drives  it  in  Canada  to 
sing  for  the  soldiers  going  to  war.” 
— The  valued  Post.  Now  we  know 
what  a muffler  is  for. — Line-o’-Type 
or  Two. 

And  a cut-out. 

* * 

There  was  an  old  man 
And  he  had  a wooden  leg, 

Not  a ride  could  he  steal, 

Not  a ride  would  he  beg, 

So  he  took  four  spools 
And  an  old  coal  hod. 

He  built  him  a Ford, 

And  it  ran,  by  dod! 


20 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


THE  SECOND  POST 

(Received  by  the  Mayor  of  Stevens 
Point,  Wis.) 

Dear  Mr.  Mayor  Pasternacki,  I 
am  a young  farmer  and  I want  to 
get  married.  I have  a two  hundred 
acre  farm  and  i am  lonesome.  I am 
single  and  was  never  married  be- 
cause i could  never  find  the  right 
girl.  But  i was  in  Stevens  Point  a 
couple  of  weeks  ago  and  i saw  a nice 
girl  there.  I was  only  in  town  for 
about  an  hour  and  i lost  tract  of 
her.  Ive  been  thinking  it  over  and 
i come  to  the  conclusion  that  i will 
marry  her.  She  was  about  middle 
height  and  plump  and  she  was  good 
looking.  "When  you  find  her  please 
let  me  know  and  i will  come  in  and 
get  her.  Of  course  if  you  can’t  find 
her  maybe  you  can  find  another.  I 
21 


FUNABOTJT  FORDS 


can  support  a wife.  Yes  and  i will 
even  get  a ford  if  slie  wont  marry  me 
without  one.  Thanking  you  now. 
Yours  truly,  etc. 

P.  S. — She  had  tan  shoes. 

— Line-o ’-Type  or  Two. 

* * 

“I  understand  the  wheel-base  of 
the  Ford  is  to  he  made  smaller.” 
“I’ll  bite.  Why  is  the  wheel-base 
of  the  Ford  to  be  made  smaller?” 
“So  it  will  be  possible  to  get  all 
of  them  on  the  boulevards.” 

* * 

“Can  I sell  you  a speedometer?” 
“I  don’t  use  one.  When  my  Ford 
is  running  five  miles  an  hour,  the 
fender  rattles,  twelve  miles  an  hour 
my  teeth  rattle,  and  fifteen  miles  an 
hour  the  transmission  drops  out.” 


22 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


NATURALLY 

In  a large  garage  a man  wagered 
with  the  owner  that  he  could  name 
any  machine  merely  by  the  sound  of 
the  engine.  An  attendant  was  in- 
structed to  crank  the  different  ma- 
chines, the  boastful  one  was  blind- 
folded, and  the  test  began. 

“Overland,”  he  called  for  the  first 
one. 

“Correct,”  said  the  owner;  “try 
the  next  one.” 

“ Studebaker.  ” 

* ‘ Right-o ! Crank  another.  ’ ’ 

Just  then  a load  of  coal  was  shot 
into  the  alley  from  a wagon. 

“Ford,”  said  the  guesser. 

* * 

A little  boy  watching  a man  crank- 
ing his  Ford,  impudently  asked : 
“Why  don’t  she  play,  mister?” 


23 


FUNABOUT  FOEDS 


AND  BEHIND 

A party  driving  in  a large  eight- 
cylinder  car  pulled  up  behind  another 
machine.  One  of  the  ladies  in  the 
party,  almost  suffocated  with  dust, 
said:  “For  heaven’s  sake,  why  don’t 
you  pass  that  car?”  “Oh,  what’s 
the  use;  that’s  a Ford,  and  there  are 
hundreds  of  them  ahead  of  us.” 

* * 

“Have  you  heard  that  Fords  are 
not  required  to  carry  lamps?” 

“What  is  the  reason  for  that?” 

“They  are  light  enough  without 
them.” 

* * 

“I  haven’t  seen  your  Ford  in  a 
long  time.” 

“I  ride  in  it  only  after  dark.  Even 
the  birds  chirp  ‘cheep,  cheep’  when  I 
pass  by.” 


24 


FUNABOUT  FOBDS 


A thrifty  housewife  saved  all  of 
her  empty  cans  and,  after  a quantity 
had  accumulated,  shipped  them  to 
Detroit.  After  a few  weeks  she  was 
delighted  to  receive  the  following 
letter : 

“Dear  Madam:  In  accordance  with 
your  instructions  we  have  made  up 
and  are  shipping  you  today  one 
Ford.  We  are  also  returning  eight 
cans  which  were  left  over.” 

* * 

“Where  were  you  going  when  I 
saw  you  last  night?” 

“I  was  going  to  my  sister’s  house. 
It  was  her  wedding  anniversary.” 

“Which  one?” 

“Her  tin  wedding  anniversary.” 

“What  did  you  give  her  for  a 
present?” 

“A  Ford  automobile.” 


25 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


HARK!  HARK!  THE  FORD! 

(From  the  Emporia  Gazette) 
There  are  in  the  United  States  at 
this  minute  1,754,570  automobiles, 
most  of  which  are  in  Emporia  run- 
ning as  jitneys.  It  is  no  trouble  to 
catch  a jitney  in  this  town.  Many 
people  catch  them  before  they’ve 
been  exposed,  as  near  as  they  can 
tell. — Line-o  ’-Type  or  Two. 

* * 

“I  thought  you  had  the  agency  for 
the  Ford  automobile?” 

“I  did,  but  they  took  it  away 
from  me.” 

“Who  took  it  away?” 

“The  five  and  ten  cent  store.” 

* * 

“What  do  you  think  of  Fords?” 
“They  are  all  right  if  they  don’t 
get  in  your  hair.” 


26 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


YOU  CAN’T  BEAT  THEM 

A man  who  had  been  in  a Ford  for 
the  first  time  had  this  to  say: 

“We  started  out  all  right,  but 
after  a few  minutes  my  friend 
seemed  uneasy  and  fumbled  around 
a great  deal.  Finally  he  stopped  the 
car,  exclaiming: 

“ ‘The  engine  is  missing!’ 

“ ‘By  George!’  said  I,  ‘that  is  won- 
derful ! ’ 

“ ‘What  is  wonderful?’  sezze. 

“ ‘Why,  this  little  Ford  going  a 
half  mile  without  an  engine!’  ” 

* * 

“Engine  a little  noisy?” 

“Sure;  if  I should  be  struck  by  a 
train  at  a crossing,  I could  prove 
that  neither  I nor  anyone  else  within 
a block  of  me  heard  the  locomotive 
whistle.” 


27 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


MAGNETO-GENERATED  ELEC- 
TRIC LIGHTS 

This  is  indeed  the  acme  of  perfec- 
tion in  automobile  lighting.  The  in- 
genuity exercised  in  causing  auto- 
matically the  lights  to  subside  when 
the  car  is  in  motion,  thereby  compell- 
ing slow  and  careful  driving,  is  to 
be  commended.  Furthermore,  should 
you,  through  the  dim  haze,  discover 
an  obstruction,  you  can  stop  the 
machine  and  at  once  you  will  find  the 
obstacle  bathed  in  a flood  of  light, 
where  it  may  be  analyzed  and  studied 
with  due  deliberation. 

* * 

It  is  reported  that  when  a large 
car,  which  had  lain  upside  down  in 
a damp  place  for  a week,  was 
righted,  several  small  Fords  ran  out 
from  beneath  it. 


28 


FUN  A BOUT  FORDS 


AFFORD  OR  A FORD 

Two  brothers  inherited  money. 
Each  received  thirty-five  hundred 
dollars.  Both  purchased  automo- 
biles. One  sunk  his  all  in  a Hotfoot 
Six.  The  other  bought  a Ford. 

In  races  the  Ford  refused  to  be 
beaten.  They  held  endurance  tests, 
and  the  Ford  was  always  there  at  the 
finish. 

“But,”  said  the  plunger,  “what 
causes  all  that  rattling  I hear?” 

“Oh,”  replied  the  cautious  one, 
“that’s  the  jingle  of  my  three  thou- 
sand dollars.” 

Write  your  own  moral. 

* * 

A friend  of  mine  was  driving  down 
the  boulevard  the  other  day  when  a 
small  boy  yelled:  “Hey,  mister, 

where  is  your  other  skate?” 


29 


rUNABOUT  FOEDS 


THE  IDEA! 

“Why  did  you  buy  a Ford?” 

“The  people  in  my  neighborhood 
care  very  little  for  style  and  had  I 
purchased  a fine  looking  car  of  ad- 
vanced body  and  design  they  would 
think  me  stuck  up.  With  this  ma- 
chine they  don’t  know  but  what  I 
made  it  myself.” 

* * 

“Well,  I’ve  got  a cycle  car  now.” 

“You  have?  I thought  you  had  a 
Ford.” 

“I  have.  But  I’ve  put  up  the  big 
car  for  the  winter.” 

* * 

“Wliy  does  the  average  man  think 
more  of  his  automobile  than  he  does 
of  his  wife?” 

“Because  he  can  get  an  improved 
model  every  year.” 

30 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


IF  I SHOULD  DIE 

If  I should  die  tonight 

And  you  should  come  to  my  cold 
corpse  and  say, 

Weeping  and  heartsick  o’er  my  life- 
less clay — 

If  I should  die  tonight, 

And  you  should  say  in  sorrow  and 
in  tear 

“I  made  forty  miles  an  hour  a’  get- 
ting here.” 

I might  arise  in  my  large  white  cravat 

And  say,  “What’s  that?” 

If  I should  die  tonight 

And  you  should  come  to  my  cold 
corpse  and  kneel, 

Clasping  my  bier  to  show  the  grief 
you  feel, 

I say,  if  I should  die  tonight 

And  you  should  come  to  me.  and  there 
and  then 


31 


FUNABOUT  FOEDS 


Just  even  hint,  that  Ford  made  more 

than  ten, 

I might  arise  the  while, 

But  I’d  drop  dead  again. 

With  variations,  from  Ben  King’s  verse. 

* * 

“I  am  going  to  buy  a Ford  car,” 
said  one  man,  “and  then  I’ll  know 
that  I will  never  be  arrested  for 
speeding.” 

* * 

“How  do  you  like  your  new 
Ford?” 

“The  car  is  all  right,  but  people 
stop  me  at  every  corner  to  ask  if 
it  is  a jitney  bus.” 

* * 

“Ya,  mein  car  has  gott  all  von 
der  latest  improvements,  self  com- 
mencer  und  everything.” 


32 


PUNABOUT  FORDS 


HANDY 

A Ford  ploughing  along  a country 
road  met  a large  limousine  hub  deep 
in  mud.  The  Ford  was  hitched  to 
the  large  car  and  pulled  it  to  solid 
ground. 

“I  am  much  obliged  for  the  lift,” 
said  the  driver  of  the  large  car ; 
“that’s  a powerful  little  machine — 
what  is  it  called?’ 

“This  is  a Ford.” 

“Guess  I’ll  have  to  get  one  for 
my  tool  box.” 

* * 

OLD  PEOYERB— REBUILT 

Before  going  to  war  say  a prayer; 
before  going  to  sea  say  two  prayers ; 
before  marrying  say  three  prayers; 
before  buying  a Ford  say  four  pray- 
ers. 


33 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


ANYTHING  TO  OBLIGE 

An  Irishman  came  out  of  an  office 
building  and  found  his  Ford  locked 
in  between  two  large  cars.  He  got 
into  the  car  and  honked  a few  times, 
but  the  chauffeur  of  the  large  car 
ahead  paid  no  attention  to  him. 
Finally  the  Irishman  shouted,  “I 
say,  me  frind,  will  you  pull  up  a bit, 
or  shall  I go  under  you?” 

* * 

VERY  GOOD,  EDDIE 

An  automobile  salesman  was  ex- 
plaining things  to  a prospective  cus- 
tomer, when  the  p.  c.  interrupted 
him: 

“Oh!  is  that  what  the  differential 
is?  I thought  it  was  a lap  robe, 
woolly  on  one  side  and  smooth  on 
the  other.” 


34 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


THE  EMPORIA  GAZETTE 

I hope  we  won’t  get  a 

limousine  when  we  do  get  one.  Not 

that  the isn’t  a good  car;  for 

it  is.  It  is  the  average  man’s  car. 
If  a man  has  to  drive  his  car  in  his 
shirt  sleeves  and  suspenders,  he  looks 

better  driving  a than  a , 

for  that  matter.  But  a limou- 

sine some  way  is  like  a man  in  a 
two-piece  summer  suit,  a celluloid 
collar,  and  a plug  hat. 

* * 

ANNOYING 

A messenger  boy  was  walking 
down  the  street  reading  a novel  when 
he  was  struck  by  a Ford  car.  The 
driver  asked  the  boy  if  he  was  hurt. 

“Naw,”  said  the  boy,  “but  you 
made  me  lose  my  place  in  the  story.” 


35 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


HURRAH! 

The  young  man  dashed  madly  down 
the  street.  He  overturned  fruit 
stands  and  aged  blind  men  in  his  wild 
career.  He  ran  into  a perambulator 
and  the  baby  was  thrown  into  the 
street.  “Murderer,”  hissed  the 
mother  through  her  clenched  teeth. 
But  on  he  rushed.  Dashing  up  the 
stairs  he  pounded  on  the  door  of  a 
large  house.  When  it  was  opened  he 
plunged  in,  shouting:  “Mary!  Mary! 
Come  quickly!  I’ve  got  a new  Ford 
story!” 

* * 

ACCORDING  TO  BARNUM 

“I  understand  they  make  a Ford 
every  two  minutes.” 

“Well,  at  that,  they  are  supplying 
only  half  the  demand.” 


36 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


THE  PERILS  OF  PAUL  LEAN  j 

] 

(Overlooked  by  National  Board  of 
Censorship) 

Paul  Lean,  jitney  driver,  lounges 
luxuriously  in  cushions  of  Ford. 
Packard  shoots  past.  Soprano  cries 
for  help.  Glimpse  of  three  black-mus- 
tached  villains.  Beautiful  girl  bound 
hand  and  foot.  Paul  to  rescue. 

Girl  rescued.  Race  to  police  sta- 
tion. Packard  in  hot  pursuit. 

Girl:  “Can’t  you  find  a better 

road?” 

Paul:  “Good  road.  Ford  always 
rides  this  way.” 

Girl:  “Much  farther?” 

Paul:  “Two  miles.” 

Girl:  “Stop.” 

Paul:  “Where  going?” 

Girl:  “Back  in  Packard!” 


37 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


TRY  THE  THIRD  CHAPTER 

“What’s  become  of  the  solitary 
horseman  who  used  to  appear  in  the 
first  chapter,  outlined  against  the  hori- 
zon on  the  top  of- a hill?” 

“He  is  probably  at  the  bottom  of 
the  hill  in  a Ford  with  his  engine 
stalled.  ’ ’ 

* * 

It  has  been  called  the  Christian 
Science  car.  You  think  you  have  an 
automobile. 

* * 

Then  there  is  the  story  of  the  farmer 
who  had  his  tin  roof  blown  off  and 
torn  and  twisted  by  a cyclone.  It  is 
said  that  he  shipped  the  roof  to  De- 
troit and  was  advised  by  the  Ford 
people  that  it  was  beyond  repair  and 
they  would  have  to  send  a new  car. 
But  we  take  this  story  with  a g.  o.  s. 

38 


FUNABOUT  FOEDS 


LUCKY,  AT  THAT 

“Did  you  succeed  in  selling  your 
Ford?” 

“I  tried  to  sell  it,  but  nobody 
would  buy  it ; I tried  to  give  it  away, 
but  nobody  would  take  it,  so  I left 
it  standing  in  front  of  the  house  and 
moved  away.” 

* * 

A FORD? 

“Why  didn’t  you  toot  your  horn 
if  you  saw  the  man  in  the  road 
ahead?” 

“I  thought  it  would  be  more  merci- 
ful if  he  never  knew  what  struck 
him.” 

* * 

Speak  harshly  to  your  little  Ford 

And  kick  it  when  it  freezes ; 

It  only  does  it  to  annoy, 

Because  it  knows  it  teases. 


39 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


ENOUGH! 

“Why  did  you  trade  your  big 
Complex  for  a Ford?” 

“Because  I wanted  to  be  comfort-' 
able  and  I couldn’t  be  in  the  large 
car,  with  its  soft  cushions  and  easy 
springs.  You  see,  I drove  a milk 
wagon  for  fifteen  years.” 

* * 

“Why  is  it  called  a runabout?” 

“Because  it  will  run  about  a mile 
without  stopping.” 

* * 

At  a wedding  recently  the  bride- 
groom had  just  said  “With  all  my 
goods  I thee  endow,”  when  his  father 
was  heard  to  remark:  “Gee!  there 
goes  his  Ford. 


40 


FUNABOUT  FOBDS 


The  children  in  the  lower  grades 
of  a Chicago  public  school  were  read- 
ing stories  of  pioneer  days,  and  came 
to  the  sentence,  “The  hunter  looked 
about  for  a ford.”  Thinking  her  pu- 
pils did  not  understand,  the  teacher 
asked  them,  “What  is  a ford?”  For 
a moment  there  was  no  reply,  and 
then  in  all  seriousness  one  little  girl 
said,  “I  know.  It  is  something  like 
an  automobile.” 

* * 

Mr.  Jones  was  prowling  through 
the  house  in  the  middle  of  the  night 
and  stubbed  his  toe  against  a baby 
carriage  in  the  hall.  * ‘Damn  Fords,  ’ ’ 
he  muttered,  “they  get  in  every- 
where. ’ ’ 

* * 

“Why  is  a Ford  like  an  affinity?” 

“Because  you  hate  to  be  seen  on 
the  street  with  one.” 

41 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


A lady  was  telling  her  husband 
about  the  fine  new  automobile  their 
neighbor  was  going  to  get. 

“What  is  the  name  of  the  car?” 

“I  can’t  remember,  but  it  starts 
with  T.” 

“That  must  be  a Ford.  All  the 
others  start  with  gasoline.” 

* * 

In  a theatre  the  other  night  a man 
sat  in  his  seat  long  after  everybody 
else  had  gone.  An  usher  touched 
him  on  the  shoulder  and  said,  “The 
show  is  over,  mister.” 

“That  can’t  be,”  was  the  reply. 
“I  haven’t  heard  a Ford  joke  yet!” 
* * 

One  great  advantage  of  a Ford  is 
that  you  can  always  get  a few  more 
miles  by  going  back  to  the  rear  axle 
and  tickling  it. 


42 


PUNABOUT  POBDS 


A FIEND  IN  HUMAN  FORM 

A party  driving  on  a boulevard 
saw  a Ford  turned  upside  down  and 
examination  showed  no  reason  for 
this  unusual  position.  A little  farther  f 
they  met  with  another  with  its  wheels 
in  the  air.  Just  then  a Ford  swung 
onto  the  boulevard  from  a side 
street.  It  seemed  to  slow  down  as  it 
hit  the  pavement  and  finally  stopped, 
turned  over  and  died.  The  party 
drove  up  to  the  disconsolate  Ford 
driver,  who  was  sitting  on  the  curb 
with  his  head  in  his  hands. 

“What  is  the  matter  with  the 
Fords?  We  passed  two  in  the  same 
shape  a little  way  back.” 

“Why,”  replied  the  Ford  man, 
“some  darn  fool  has  sprinkled  insect 
powder  all  along  the  boulevard!” 


43 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


“I  understand  everyone  at  the  pic- 
nic suffered  from  ptomaine  poison- 
ing.” 

“Yes,  they  kept  the  lunch  in  a 
Ford  all  morning.” 

* * 

Mr.  Cohen  was  considering  insur- 
ance for  his  Ford.  The  agent  said 
he  would  place  fire,  accident  and 
theft  insurance  on  the  car  for  thirty 
dollars. 

“That  is  ten  dollars  for  each 
kind,”  said  Mr.  Cohen.  “Here  is 
twenty  dollars,  give  me  the  fire  and 
accident.  ’ ’ 

* * 

“Willie!”  shouted  the  irate  par- 
ent, “How  many  times  must  I tell 
you  not  to  wash  your  Ford  in  the 
bathtub?  Put  it  out  in  the  kitchen 
with  the  dishes.” 


44 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


MIGHT  BE  IMPORTANT 

The  first  few  trips  made  by  the 
Murphys  in  their  new  Ford  were 
: spoiled  for  Mr.  Murphy  by  the  ac- 
tions of  his  wife.  She  sat  behind 
him  and  offered  advice  and  informa- 
tion, generally  accompanied  by  a 
poke  in  the  back.  Mr.  Murphy  be- 
came very  tired  of  “Blow  your  horn, 
Paddy”  and  “Look  out  for  the 
hearse  behind  us,”  and  reprimanded 
Mrs.  Murphy  severely.  On  the  occa- 
sion of  Father  O’Malley’s  first  ride 
with  them  he  took  particular  pains 
to  make  his  meaning  clear  to  his  wife 
and  said  he  would  sell  the  car  if  he 
heard  a peep  from  her.  So  with 
little  Jimmy  beside  him  in  the  front 
seat  and  Father  O’Malley  and  Mrs. 
Murphy  in  the  rear,  the  party  sal- 
lied forth  to  the  country.  After  a 


45 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


mile  or  two  of  rough  roads  without 
a word  or  a poke  from  his  wife, 
Murphy  had  commenced  to  feel  at 
ease  when  the  good  lady  leaned  over 
the  hack  of  his  seat. 

“I  don’t  want  to  iffind  ye,  Paddy,” 
she  said,  “but  I thought  ye  might 
like  to  know  His  Biverence  is  no 
longer  with  us!” 

* * 

Stopping  at  a toll-gate  the  Ford 
driver  asked  the  charge. 

“Fords,  three  for  a nickel.” 

“But  there  is  only  one!” 

“Oh,  there  will  be  a couple  more 
along  in  a minute.” 

* * 

A dealer  in  Indiana  wrote  to  the 
home  office  asking  if  they  would  paint 
his  cars  yellow.  He  wanted  to  hang 
them  in  bunches  and  sell  them  like 
bananas. 


46 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


EXTREME  CRUELTY 

Two  old  Irish  cronies  were  killed 
in  an  explosion.  One  found  himself 
in  Heaven  and  looked  around  for  his 
partner. 

“St.  Peter,”  he  said,  “can  you  tell 
me  where  Pat  Doogan  is?” 

“I  am  sorry,  Mike,”  answered  St. 
Peter,  “but  Pat  is  in  hell.” 

“And  I didn’t  have  time  to  say 
good-bye  to  him ! I wonder  if  I 
couldn’t  run  down  and  speak  to  him 
for  a minute?” 

St.  Peter  arranged  for  Mike  to 
visit  Pat  in  hell. 

Pat  showed  Mike  all  around  the 
place.  Mike  was  surprised  to  find 
fine  parks  and  boulevards. 

“And  have  ye  automobiles ?”  asked 
Mike. 

“We  have,”  said  Pat.  “Come 


47 


FUNABOTJT  FORDS 


over  and  see  the  garage.”  He  led 
Mike  to  a large  stone  building.  Mike 
looked  over  the  place  and  exclaimed: 
“But  I thought  ye  said  automo- 
biles, Pat.  Sure,  these  are  all 
Fords!” 

“I  know,  I know,  Mike,”  said  Pat. 
“That’s  the  hell  of  it.” 


“What  kind  of  car  is  that?” 

“This  is  a cantaloupe.” 

“What’s  that?” 

“Haven’t  you  ever  heard  of  a 
Rocky  Ford?” 

* * 

Smith  had  his  new  Ford  standing 
in  front  of  his  house  and  saw  Jones 
inspecting  it  carefully. 

“How  do  you  like  it?”  he  asked. 

“Fine,”  answered  J ones,  “but 
where  do  you  take  out  the  ashes?” 

48 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


Three  neighbors  with  new  ears 
held  a christening.  The  first  man 
had  a Pierce-Arrow. 

“I  name  thee  George  Washington,” 
he  said.  “First  in  war,  first  in  peace, 
and  first  in  the  hearts  of  his  country- 
men. ’ ’ 

“I  name  thee  Abraham  Lincoln,” 
said  the  owner  of  a Cadillac.  “Of 
the  people,  by  the  people,  and  for  the 
people.  ’ ’ 

The  last  man  owned  a Ford. 

“I  name  thee  Theodore  Roose- 
velt,” he  exclaimed,  “you  rough- 
riding son-of-a-gun ! ” 

* * 

Two  Germans  afoot  were  passed 
by  a Ford  and  one  of  them  heaved  a 
big  sigh.  “Ach,”  he  said,  “at  home 
when  she  made  limburger  cheese, 
that’s  just  the  smell  that  mother  used 
to  make.” 


49 


PUNABOUT  FORDS 


“What  business  are  you  in,  Jack?* 
“I’ll  tell  you,  but  I wish  you  would 
keep  it  quiet.  I am  selling  Fords — 
but  mother  thinks  I am  a burglar.” 

* * 

“What  is  your  name,  little  girl?” 
“You  won’t  laugh  if  I tell  you?” 
“No.” 

“Iona  Ford.” 

* * 

A LAST  CHANCE 
“I  want  to  see  the  government  own 
everything,”  said  the  discontented 
man. 

“Maybe  it  might  he  a good  idea,” 
replied  the  other.  “I  have  a per- 
fectly good  Ford  I would  like  to  sell 
it” 


so 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


CHEERING  NEWS 

A Ford  owner  was  stopped  by  an 
old  neighbor  lady. 

“I  hope  you  will  excuse  my  stop- 
ping you,”  she  said,  “but  seeing  you 
drive  by  did  so  remind  me  of  my 
poor  brother,  who  was  took  from 
me,  that  I felt  I must  speak  with 
you.  He  used  to  be  always  riding 
in  his  Ford  like  you  are.” 

“And  how  long  ago  did  your  broth- 
er die?”  asked  the  driver  sympathet- 
ically. 

“Oh,  sir,  he  isn’t  dead”;  was  the 
reply.  “He  was  took  to  the  asy- 
lum.” 

* * 

“Have  you  heard  the  last  Ford 
story?” 

“I  hope  so.” 


Si 


FUNABOUT  FOEDS 


An  amateur  hunter  was  startled  by 
a loud  cackling  and  sputtering  over- 
head and  questioned  his  companion. 
“Oh,  that’s  nothing,”  said  the  other; 
“just  a flock  of  Fords  going  to 
spawn.” 


52 


FUN ABOUT  FORDS 


THE  FABLE  OF  ONE  WAY  AS 
AGAINST  ANOTHER 

Once  upon  a time  there  lived  a man 
whose  chief  concern  was  to  make  the 
other  fellow  envy  him.  He  inter- 
preted this  concern  as  the  natural 
desire  of  any  healthy  and  self  re- 
specting citizen  to  make  a good  im- 
pression upon  his  contemporaries. 
And  he  really  believed  in  his  inter- 
pretation. 

His  mother  and  father  sat  up 
nights,  when  he  made  his  appearance 
in  the  world,  trying  to  decide  whether 
to  name  him  James,  after  his  grand- 
father, or  John,  after  his  uncle. 
After  weeks  of  debate,  and  for  no 
accountable  reason,  the  uncle  won 
out,  but  it  was  time  lost — for  when 
John  reached  that  age  where  he 
wanted  to  know  what  his  middle  ini- 


53 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


tial  stood  for,  lie  changed  Ms  signa- 
ture and  ever  afterward  wrote  it 
“J.  Lawrence  Jones.” 

He  called  Ms  feminine  parent 
“The  Mater”  and  his  masculine 
parent  “The  Governor.” 

Marriage  to  him  was  a social 
event. 

His  idea  of  business  was  to  deal 
in  “Propositions.” 

And,  considering  everything,  he 
was  fairly  successful  at  it. 

You  know  the  brand. 

He  was  of  the  type  that  created 
conversation  as  follows: 

“What  does  Jones  do?” 

“I  don’t  know.  But  it  must  be 
pretty  good.”  • 

At  the  same  time  there  lived  an- 
other man  whose  cMef  concern  was  to 
make  others  happy,  and  thereby  to 


54 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


corral  a large  amount  of  happiness 
for  himself. 

His  name  was  William  K.,  and  he 
stuck  to  it. 

! He  fulfilled  his  obligations  and 
played  a reliable  game.  His  idea  of 
business  was  value  received.  And 
he  carried  this  idea  through  every 
phase  of  his  life.  He  believed  in  the 
“Safety  First”  discipline.  He  liked 
comfort,  even  luxury,  but  would  pay 
for  it  only  what  it  was  worth.  He 
had  no  wild  objection  to  a monogram 
on  a shirt  sleeve  but  he  would  not 
pay  good  money  for  it. 

He  did  not  know  it,  but  the  polit- 
ical economists  had  figured  him  and 
his  kind  as  the  pillars  of  society. 

These  two  men  lived  in  the  era  of 
automobiles. 

Each  of  them  had  a desire  to  have 


one. 


55 


FUNABOUT  FOEDS 


J.  Lawrence  carried  through  a 
proposition  that  got  him  a car  with 
a wheel  base  of  one  hundred  and 
forty-two  inches  and  a gold  clock  on 
the  dash,  and  he  lashed  four  outer 
casings  to  the  back  of  the  body,  be- 
cause that  had  class.  He  had  to  look 
through  the  steering  wheel  to  see  the 
road  ahead. 

William  K.  bought  a Ford. 

J.  Lawrence  regretted  that  the  At- 
lantic and  Pacific  were  so  close  to- 
gether that  he  could  not  go  more 
than  five  thousand  miles  without 
doubling  back  on  his  trail. 

Bill  certainly  enjoyed  the  scenery. 
He  also  found  that  he  could  use  his 
Ford  in  his  business,  and  make  it 
pay,  because  it  wasn’t  a burden. 

Somehow  or  other,  after  a couple 
of  months,  somebody  else  bought  J. 


56 


FUNABOUT  FORDS 


Lawrence’s  car  to  great  advantage. 
J.  Lawrence  never  did  know  what  he 
got  for  the  margin  that  it  cost  him. 
In  other  words,  he  had  laid  his  right 
eye  out  on  the  table.  His  argument 
now  is  that  automobile  enthusiasts 
are  misguided,  that  automobiling  is  a 
losing  proposition,  that  he  wouldn’t 
have  the  most  expensive  car  on  the 
market  at  any  price. 

Yet,  he  walks,  and  nobody  envies 
him. 

All  this  happened  several  years 
ago. 

Bill  is  still  driving  a Ford.  And 
he  continues  to  enjoy  the  scenery. 
And  so  do  the  wife  and  the  kiddies. 

Moral — The  answer  is  easy. 

A.  H.  B. 


57 


Three  Practical  Books 


What  a Salesman  Should  Know 

By  HENRY  C.  TAYLOR 

For  everyone  who  sells  goods,  either  at  retail  or 
traveling. 

What  an  Advertiser  Should  Know 

By  HENRY  C.  TAYLOR 

For  everyone  who  advertises.  Written  in  an 
easily  understandable  manner. 

The  Letter  Writer’s  Handbook 

By  JOHN  REXBURN 


For  everyone  who  would  write  correctly, 
in  business  and  socially. 


Both 


Each  Book  80  Cents,  Post  Paid 


BOOK  NEWS 

If  you  will  send  us  your  name  and  address  we 
will  send  you  our  announcements  of  new  books  from 
time  to  time.  

If  you  cannot  get  “Funabout  Fords* * in  your 
city,  we  will  mail  it  to  you  upon  receipt  of  the  price, 
twenty-five  cents. 

The  Howell  Company,  Publishers 

608  SOUTH  DEARBORN  STREET 

Chicago,.  Illinois 


^ — 


14  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 

LOAN  DEPT. 

This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below,  or 
on  the  date  to  which  renewed. 

Renewed  books  are  subject  to  immediate  recall. 

MAR  25  mo 

YjD- 

tNTER-LlBRAR'' 

t 

LOAN 

OCT  5 137 

3 

L(Al2724Slor476B9  Uni«re|£o7caltSrnia 

5" 


YB  46406 


c 


INTERIM 

REPORT 


Dept. 


igliti 


iis  edition  only 


INTERLIBRARY  LOAN  REQUEST 

According  to  the  A.L.A.  Interlibrary  Loan  Code 

REPORTS:  Checked  by 

SENT  BY : I I Library  rate  I 1 


Charges  $ OCT  5 — for  $_ 
Date  sent 


WEEKS  AFTER  RECE1H 


rary  only 

_J  Copying  not  permitted  


NOT  SENT  BECAUSE: 


Non  circulating 


In  use 
Not  owned 


Estimated  Cost  of:  Microfilm _ 


Hard  copy_ 


BORROWING  LIBRARY  RECORD: 


Date  received 


Date  returned 

By  | ] Library 

Postage 
enclosed  $_ 


lived  } 11 —1213— 

N0yT?1973 

ibrary  rate  | 


.Insured  for  $_ 


RENEWALS:  (Request  and  report  on  sheet  C) 

Requested  on 

Renewed  to 

(or  period  of  renewal) 


